Part I of 3

It was many years ago when my life began to change. More than life, it was me that changed. Another dimension I could not explain. The deep seated feeling in my soul as a result of such change was unlike anything I had ever known. The culmination of my past swiftly raced before me. That not in my time, but in the time space that was given to me.

A growing dissatisfaction of life had begun to manifest inside of me. There was no turning back. I could not turn back. I did not want to turn back. The things of life that once held my fascination were no longer fascinating to me. There was no more pleasure. There was no more interest. All desire was lost. My attention was solely on the seed germinating inside of me.

I wanted nothing more than to continue forward. To return where I came from, the familiar and to what was seemingly normal life was all too much to bear. No longer wanting any part of it I did what I could to walk away. While remnants tried to remain my desire to catapult toward this soul-stirring soon left it all behind. No more remnants, no more visitations. All was done, all was over, and all was finished in my heart and my mind. No looking back, oh how much I could not look back. The past bear no resemblance to the personhood of me that was being recreated.  It was as though I was traveling into the dark mystery of the abyss of my own soul. Another soul as it were, unrecognizable and unknown, yet somehow known to me. The life I had and those who I once had known would not be missed. The further I travelled into my soul the farther away I had become.

As my spirit ascended from this world, everyone and everything became unfamiliar to me. Conversations that once held my attention, no longer received my gaze. Ordinary words were just ordinary. It all became such shallowness, which were but utterances outside of my mind. Continual disappointment with life only compounded what I was feeling.

I wanted no more of what I had once known. There was no depth, no wonder, and no breadth. Nothing could be said to speak to my heart. My mind was entranced in another world.

Finding what was true became difficult to find. Finding another who was true even more so. I sought the truth. What could be the truest of true? Where could I go, where could I be? Was it in someone else, or inside of me? I searched for the door, an open door that was calling for me.

Where could I go now? What would be next? I searched my heart, O God, I searched my soul.

You cometh near, yet so far away. My soul is with you, yet my soul is here. I am with you without you, aching to go home.

What first must I seek, if I am seeking You, O Lord? Where will you find me, where will I be? A life without You or a true love with Thee?

My one and only, my soul within a soul. So I search. I am searching still and always.

“But first seek His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33)

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Photo credit: NASA. Earth as viewed from 10,000 miles away. Taken on November 9, 1967 on Apollo 4 spacecraft (unmanned).